If I was in charge…

Be your own boss. That sounds like an interesting scenario. It appeals to so many of us because of its empowering role. It is kind of like being king of the office, the sultan of the warehouse, the emperor of the station, where you become the master of your workplace.

I often like to think if I was my own boss or even better if I was king for a day, then I would implement some changes in our infrastructure to brighten the monotony of each working day.

My first change would be to have slides instead of stairs. Yes, slides instead of stairs. Imagine how ridiculous it would look if stockbrokers and corporate executives had to descend from the 47th floor of their skyscraper office in their Armani 3-piece suits via a maze of slides, chutes and flumes. Offices, universities, shopping centres, everywhere would have them. It would truly break the icy atmosphere of working.

My next change would be to have roller coasters instead of trains. In a similar fashion to trains, they would stop at several stations. However, just imagine how fun life would be if you traveled to the city centre on a carriage which done barrel rolls, looped the loop and which corkscrewed to your final destination. I’m sure the queasy minority of our population could be accommodated with a monorail to keep our streets clean.

Another change I would make would be to pad everything. In other words, I would make everything soft and spongy, like a kids play centre. I can envisage thousands of people running around a city and jumping from ridiculous heights with great big smiles on their faces, safe in the knowledge that its going to be an extremely soft landing.

It’s nice to see that Barclay Card are on similar wavelength to me.

Perhaps its time to write that letter to David Cameron…

Awkward Situations Part 3 – Family Photos

Everyone has dirt on them. It’s not just politicians, actors, singers and celebrities, every single one of us has dirt from our past that we do not want to uncover. But, alas, we must be brave and face our fears and embrace the embarassment that is family photos.

For some reason, parents over the last 30 years, have had the overwhelming urge to have professional photographs taken of the family, in which we momentarily drop our uncouthly disdain for each other, smile through gritted teeth and uncomfortably embrace one another as brothers and sisters of one united family.

Adding to the awkwardness of this false image is the saddening fact that when we were 10 years old, we really had no say when it comes to choosing our attire. Cue a proud mother forcefully confining me to the aesthetic disaster that is a horrendous jumper with chorded trousers combo. To the left is that older sibling who can barely be seen thanks to the horrendous lens flare from his/her train track braces.

However, we have all experienced this uncomfortable and unfortuante scenario where we are confined to eternal embarassment as the finished photo becomes the proud centre-piece of the living room for many decades to come. As Christmas fast approaches, I have just been informed by my mother that there is no other gift that she would want than to “get the family together for a professional photograph session”. Trade lives anyone?

Thankfully, I am not alone in this world as a recent genius has decided to conglomerate a myriad of bizarre family photos and has aptly given this book the moniker of: “Awkward Family Photos”.

If you are like me and have survived this trauma or been subject to constant humiliation from your friends/colleagues/pet llama, then this book is for you. You are not alone!

Take solace in the fact that you could well be holding a parrot and a rifle, or a chicken on prom night, or just be cloaked in a tuxedo made of bacon!

For more hilarity go to http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ and say goodbye to the next three hours of your life!

Awkward Situations Part 2 – Commuting

Public transport has to be one of the biggest facilitators of needlessly socially awkward situations. Why is it that when we travel on a bus everyone desires to have two seats to themselves? Do we really demand a vast amount of personal space, so much so that we would prefer not to sit beside another human?

When our bus/train/subway is full there is always a sense of awkwardness when you slowly walk up the aisle and you realise that you have no other choice than to sit beside a stranger. At this point you have taken center stage of the vehicle and all eyes are focusing on you wondering why it is taking you so long to sit down. Those who are avoiding eyecontact are probably reciting fruitless incantations in the hope that you will sit anywhere else apart from that free seat beside them.

As a new arrival you are forced to rapidly assess everyone on the bus and ascertain which person is the best companion to share this journey with. Various factors will come into play. Some may choose sit beside the pretty blonde, or the respectable-looking businessman or the smiling old lady, believing that they will cause minimal disruption in comparison to the overweight guy eating a curry or the 3 teenagers sporting tracksuits and playing dance music from their phones at the back.
Whatever seat is chosen has to be chosen quickly.

The real awkwardness physically manifests itself when you decide. In most cases you are the intruder who annoyingly forces the passenger to sigh and unwillingly move their bag onto their lap and compromise their personal space. Upon sitting down, the staple behaviour of commuting presents itself, as the passenger does that unnecessary motion in which they shift their bodies about 2cm towards the window (like that makes a difference) as if your body is a host to the black plague.

There is substantial difference between the behaviour of commuters at rush hour and revellers who are making their way home at 3.30am on a Friday night. As commuters, we are a cold, isolated and disdainful lot clearly unhappy that we have had to brave the cold to travel to our workplace. As revellers we are hyper, enthusiastic and inebriated passengers who are delighted that the weekend has begun and the stranger next to you is your new best friend.

But why do these differences exist? Could the commuter crowd not a take a leaf out of the revellers book and at least put a smile on their face. Im not implying that anyone should down a litre of vodka at 8am on a Tuesday morning (although this may make the journey more intersting), but imagine a world were it was custom to hold a conversation everytime we sat next to a stranger. Perhaps we need a party bus or a fun bus?

Can the mentality of public transport users be changed?

This I must ponder.

Where’s the (digital) love?

The ability to download music has brought a myriad of advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, an individual has the power to source and access the music of an artist who resides thousands of miles across the planet, regardless of how famous or well known that person is. We no longer have to get up, leave our houses and trek into the city centre to hear a favourite bands latest release. Instead, we can access an album or entire song with a couple of clicks of a mouse. What a wonderfully convenient world!

For those of us who are financially challenged/morally inept/sloths, then the added bonus is that the majority of music can be downloaded for free. Yes, free. No more of this paying the artist malarkey. No pesky financial transactions. No need to deepen your already canyon-like overdraft. And no need to wait for that excruciatingly distant release date. Yes, these days you can pretty much own an album moments after it has been mastered and for free.

Mr Bigshot Record Company does not like this as profit losses mean that he can no longer satisfy his spendthrift of a wife.

The financial disadvantages to the record company and the artist are blatantly obvious, however I believe the convenience of downloading music has begun to affect the live aspect of music.

Morale must be slightly lower for most bands now as they rely on touring and merchandise sales to pay the bills as record sales bring little profit for them.
As such, I believe this has a knock on effect on the creative output of the band whereby they take fewer risks and put out more commercially appealing music for the masses.

The result of such a situation means that the great bands are selling out to keep themselves afloat whilst those who refuse to do so are unable to afford a decent standard of living and must tour relentlessly. Sticking to your artistic integrity may also prove to be difficult when your wife announces she’s pregnant with twins and you need to secure a mortgage.

However, a more subtle change in the dynamic of live music has emerged which I would argue is tarnishing the experience of going to a concert…the crowd.

With the ability to download mp3s, people are no longer obliged to buy full albums and can easily purchase/steal/borrow the two big singles that they heard on the radio. Falling in love with ‘that single’, they then decide to buy a ticket to an upcoming gig. What happens now is that diehard fan bases become diluted with people who are not interested in hearing the album tracks but eagerly await the big hit singles. This is not to say that everyone who attends a gig should know every song. Of course there will be people who attend gigs without knowing a single song by the band. That is all very well. There is nothing wrong with checking out a band you are unfamiliar with and broadening your musical horizons.
All I am trying to indicate is that there is a tendency for people to attend gigs purely to hear those popular singles and then to leave and claim to be a massive fan of that band. It is almost like a musical bucket list that they want to tick off.

As a result, the small sweaty toilet venues crammed with dedicated fans turn into huge arenas devoid of intimacy and filled with a mixture of people, many of whom are only present to hear ‘Sex on Fire’ or ‘Many of Horror’ etc.

Before music could be downloaded I could recall everyone buying albums and making an effort to listen to them and discover musical gems that did not feature in the charts. When bands toured, it seemed like everyone in the audience were familiar with various albums tracks and singles alike and got more enthused about the bands. Now it seems, album tracks have decreased in value. Many see them as all filler and no killer.

Essentially, I believe bands are now less valued for their albums and only their singles, and in the long run, downloading music has facilitated us all to be lazy when it comes to discovering the back catalogues of today’s artists.

Funeral Songs

Horrible things funerals. However, i’d guess that most people have envisaged how they would like theirs to play out. Everyone should at some point have contemplated which songs they would most like played at their service. For music fans, it comes as a tough decision. In one instance you could pick a song which sums up your personality or in another you may want to make your family/friends/co-workers weep profusely. Others may just want something completely ridiculous – Cue the Cheeky Girls.

For me, I think it would be amusing to see the reactions of mourners if Jay-Z’s 99 Problems came blasting out the speakers. However, in reality i’ll probably get something a bit more cinematic. In no favoured order, I present my choices:

Explosions In The Sky – First Breath After Coma

This track is epic and anthemic at the highest levels without succumbing to the needless cheese of acts like Creed, Snow Patrol and Nickelback (Those bands should consider themselves lucky to have their names sitting under a picture of EITS). It is a vulnerable but uplifting song and like all EITS tracks, is perfectly crafted sans lyrics. This Texas band have been sampled and used in adverts, documentaries and movies and quite rightly so. Pretty much anything of their phenomenal third album, The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place , could dampen the eyes of all mourners in minutes.

Explosions In The Sky – First Breath After Coma

Sigur Rós – Starálfur

My brother first played this track to me after he heard it in The Life Aquatic. I’d never seen the film but I was immediately transfixed by this song and couldn’t stay away from it. Even today this track still does not cease to amaze me. Everything in it from the strings to the violins to the acoustic guitar, seem melancholy yet hopeful. It comes closely followed by Untitled #3 (a.k.a. “Samskeyti”) from the album “( )”

Sigur Rós – Starálfur

Other potential songs:

Death Cab For Cutie – Transatlanticism/I Will Follow You Into The Dark
R.E.M. – At My Most Beautiful
Lisa Gerrard – Now We Are Free
Mogwai – Auto Rock

So what are yours?

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